And Work as Missionaries Do

A mission is such a powerful experience regardless of orientation.  I think that's why it's talked about so much among gay-oriented Mormons.  So, what was it like for me serving as a Mormon missionary who was attracted to guys?  Well, my orientation scared me. It led me to be a bit hyper-obedient, hoping that if I was just a little more righteous, my orientation would be miraculously changed.

Actually, after entering the MTC, is was this hyper-obedient expectation that would occasionally get me into trouble. I had been told of so many instances when some minor slip in obedience led to the excommunication of a missionary that I became a bit too fanatic about the rules. I needed to just chill a little. But I wasn't really open about my own fears, as they involved my fear of others finding out my orientation, so I really didn't have anyone to just discuss things and clear the air.  I wish I could say that I had this wonderful companion that I came out to and helped me work through my feelings, but that never happened.  I did have wonderful companions, but I never openned up that can of worms.

Anyway, after some misunderstandings, I did get through the MTC and started on my mission.  One great blessing I experienced was that I never had a crush on my companion.  I think getting that weak-in-the-knees feeling for a companion would have been hard.  In fact, while there were many other missionaries that I thought were pretty cute guys, I don't think I got a serious crush on any of them while I was on my mission. 

That doesn't mean that my attractions went away.  And it doesn't mean my fears grew dim.  I was still convinced that a little slip up could be a disaster, and it really hindered my growth.  I was scared to contact people.  I was scared that if I did gain a convert and I later fell away from the church that it would be a disaster for the convert as well as me.  But I eventually learned to be less stressful, and had some great companions who (whether they knew it or not) helped me lose some of those fears.  I learned to better trust the Lord, and try my best even though I couldn't see all the consequences.  If I did what I was called to do and tried to be the best I could, I could leave the rest in His hands, even though I'm not perfect and I mess up.

Overall, I can't say enough about the value of my mission experiences and how they helped to change my life for the better, how they helped me grow and develop in the gospel and in life.  I would encourage all young men in the church to qualify themselves to go on a mission, and go!  If you don't think you can qualify yourself, speak to your Bishop about it.  Don't let the opportunity pass you by.