Being Alone

When I was 12 and started to be seriously interested in boys, I knew it was something I would never talk about with others.  I had no fear of diminished love from my parents -- I knew they would love me the same no matter what.  I was more worried about how they would show that love.  I didn't want to have to see a psychiatrist to delve into what in my past made me this way, try to change my orientation, or (even worse, in my view) possibly tell me I should start seeking relationships with guys.  I worried that my parents might want me to go to such counselling.  Or perhaps they would be disappointed or worried about it.  I didn't want to deal with that kind of thing.  I still don't, so my parents don't know.



Of course, it goes without saying that none of my friends were told.  I grew up in an era that it was way too taboo to talk about such things.  I didn't want my friends to think of me any differently, so I simply kept it quiet.  I had nobody to talk to about these things, and I really wasn't ready to talk to anyone.  In the years since, several of my friends have come out publicly, but only when they were actively involved in homosexual relationships.

So for almost all of my early years, I was utterly alone with this secret.  I don't really have any fear of being alone, but I do very much enjoy being with other people.  I am very social, despite my somewhat clueless social nature.  I'm not particularly prone to peer pressure, and love being different, but I love being different among friends and acquaintances.  However, in that one aspect of my life I was completely alone.

Then I met this girl, and we became very close friends.  I wanted to spend all my time with her.  And so I talked with her about it.  We eventually got married and had a good sized family.  So I'm not utterly alone any more.  But there are still precious few people who know my orientation.  I can totally see how people in my situation can be very lonely.  But I usually don't have much trouble with it.  At the same time, I can see that it might be beneficial to be more open about it.  Perhaps someday I'll take that step.  Then I won't be so alone.