Secrets

In the Doctrine and Covenants section 20, we are told to pray vocally and in secret.  In the Sermon on the Mount, when giving alms we are told to not let the left hand know what the right one does.  What are the purposes of these secrets?
It seems they are primarily to keep us from boasting, keep us humble, keep us from setting ourselves up as somehow better than others.

We are also not to “cast pearls before swine” which I think means sharing something valuable with those who will not appreciate it.  I guess this could be considered a form of keeping secrets, but in a broad sense, we really should be helping people learn to appreciate them so we can then share.  Christ was talking about matters that are meant to be shared with others, but only in the right way at the right time, when others are ready.

However, the scriptures refer to other secret-keeping as particularly bad.  For example, “when we undertake to cover our sins, ... Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.” (D&C 121:37)   “Cleanse thou me from secret faults.” (Ps. 19:12)  “Woe unto them that seek deep to hide their counsel from the LORD, and their works are in the dark.” (Isa. 29:15)  Why are these secrets not good?  Because they are used to hide, to try to get away with doing wrong.  It’s particularly bad in the Book of Mormon where secret combinations were organized to hide evil behavior from authority figures, both legal and religious, a kind of organized crime.

Throughout my life, I’ve kept my orientation secret.  What kind of secret is it?  Is it one of the more healthy forms, or is it unhealthy?  Upon examination, I think I have a problem trusting others to understand me, and so I keep my secrets.  In that sense, my secrets are not very healthy.  I was never able to talk my feelings out with anyone, get any feedback, etc.  Except for my wife, I have not been very open about it with anyone.

A few years ago, I discovered my first gay-Mormon blog.  It was refreshing to read about someone who had some of the same circumstances that I had.  It was good to see another’s view and opinions.  For several years, it was the only contact I had with another active Mormon who was gay.  In the last year, I’ve made several online friends who are Mormon and gay.  Then I started this blog.  Having a community in which to ask questions, try ideas out, refine opinions and thoughts, expose myself to other’s views, etc. has been a great blessing.  I never had this growing up.  I was always alone.

Someday, maybe, the need I feel for secrecy will crumble and I can be more open and free.  The walls of secrecy which I have always considered a type of protection have also been a type of confinement.  It has also been a place where unhealthy ideas and temptations can fester without much intervention.  I think, in time, I’ll get out of these walls.  But I’m not sure I’m ready yet.  Maybe a few baby steps here and there.