Before I begin, let me make one thing clear. I love my wife and my family and I do not want to do anything to lose them. That being said, life can be very difficult. I feel the desire for the romantic love of another man every single day. It's something that remains painfully unfulfilled in my psyche and I have no hope of ever being able to fill that void.
Why, you may ask, would I choose to go the route that I did? I had male friends my age who left the church to satisfy their desire to develop relationships with other men. I have friends and family recently who, despite not being gay themselves, have left the church because of its stand against gay marriage. Believe me, I get it. I feel it every...single...day. It doesn't go away.
I choose to stay in the church because I have had powerful spiritual experiences from a very young age. I'm not talking about some burning in the bosom. It's not something that was prompted by a church lesson or a leader. It was just me pleading with the Lord. And my prayers were answered in a powerful way. I know the church is Christ's. But it's still so hard.
The church doesn't minister to me. How can it? I can't tell them about my struggles because I fear the judgments of the members. My ministering brothers occasionally might ask how I'm doing and I tell them I'm fine. What else could I say? But I feel extremely lonely. Who else living in this sphere can I confide in? I can talk about it with my wife, but not really with anyone else. And as much as I feel loved and supported by her, it's hard to feel truly understood.
And there's nobody else.
Am I the only one? I can't imagine that I'm this rare special flower and there's almost nobody like me. But those who are like me are probably just as secretive. So the church can't minister to them, either. As long as there is such a powerful stigma against gay oriented people in the church, it will fail at its mandate to minister to the members who need it. As long as the rhetoric is so much on avoiding the appearance of evil at the expense of lifting the hands that hang down, the church will fail its gay oriented members.
We are here, but nobody wants to know. We have testimonies of the divinity of the work. We want to help build the church. But we can't let anyone know about our struggles.
I recently listened to Elder Bednar's talk from April 2014 "Bear Up Their Burdens With Ease." You certainly carry a heavy burden, and it must feel especially heavy when you are carrying it alone. His talk might give you some comfort, and I hope you can see how the burden you carry is bringing you closer to God and helping you to become the man that He wants you to be.
ReplyDeleteI carry a heavy burden too: I divorced my husband several years ago because of spousal abuse that stemmed from his pornography addiction, and I am now a single mom to four kids. People know about my burden. They will listen, offer sympathy, and do kind acts of service for me and my kids. I feel loved and supported, but I still feel very lonely. I don't think anyone truly understands the heartache and pain I deal with. I often keep my struggles to myself, because there are so many misconceptions about abuse and divorce and most people just don't have the context to truly understand where I am coming from. Even though church members "minister" to me in the ways they know how, I still feel like I carry the internal burden alone. So, even though you and I carry different burdens, I feel much the same way that you do.
The only relief I find for the lonely internal burden is in my Heavenly Father and my Savior. They are the only ones who truly know me, know every facet of my pain, and know how to ease my heartache. The words of the song "Where Can I Turn For Peace" are a good reminder when I feel alone: "Who, who can understand? He, only One." 2 Nephi 4:34 reminds me that I need to trust in God, and not look to other people for the things that only God can give. People are imperfect, and they will likely let me down, but my Heavenly Father will always be there for me when I seek Him.