Fear

"What are you most afraid of?"  This question has been circulating around my house lately.  While one of my biggest fears is the fear of being misunderstood, I don't think this particular fear has much to do with my orientation.  However, I do have a fear that I won't measure up.  It's a fear that played out in my youth in interesting ways.



When I was very young, I had experiences that helped build my understanding of the gospel and developing a firm testimony of the reality of our Heavenly Father and His love for me.  As I reached puberty and discovered that my orientation was gay, I feared that I would not be able to live up to my testimony.  I dreamed about boys, had crushes on boys, had a hard time trying to avoid fantasizing about boys.  At the same time, I grew in the gospel and developed a closer relationship with the Spirit of the Lord.  I had friends tell me how they felt the spirit around me, but I feared that I must have been fooling people because I knew my flaws while they didn't.  I feared losing out on the promised blessings of the spirit.

One of the things that made it immeasurably worse was the increased prominence of certain points being argued to justify the gay rights movement.  Some people argued that it was impossible for a gay guy to be happy or fulfilled unless he were to have a sexual relationship with another guy.  I don't know how to express how much horror and fear this idea caused me.  I handled it by rejecting the gay rights movement outright, and blamed it for much of my trouble.  I know that was an irrationally extreme reaction, but I was young, and had nobody to talk to about it.

Through my mission, and even throughout my marriage, this fear seemed to crop up.  I'm not adequate.  I'm not able to handle my challenges.  I'm not worthy of confidence.

Fortunately, at the same time, my relationship with the Spirit was growing.  I was becoming more acquainted with listening to the promptings of the Holy Ghost, and my testimony of the gospel of Christ was stronger than ever.  It reached the point where I became amazed at the patience, love, and blessings shown me by the Lord, despite all my flaws and shortcomings.  I was so intimitely aware of mistakes and sins, yet my prayers were still being answered and my family was being blessed.  I can't express how grateful I am for the gospel and the peace it has granted me to combat my fears.