Attraction

So, what does it mean to you when you say you are attracted to someone?  What does it mean to be romantic?  I think these things may vary greatly from person to person, so that makes discussion of orientation somewhat problematic.



When I was very young, I had friends who were boys and friends who were girls.  I don't think I could have been said to be attracted to them, except as friends, childhood playmates.  I was never exposed to anything remotely sexual.  Maybe I was really sheltered, but that was my childhood.  Only upon entering puberty did I start to feel attracted.  I learned about human reproduction from "the discussion" from my dad (did I mention that I was sheltered?) and I thought it sounded fairly revolting.  But, you know, puberty changes you, and I started desiring people -- the problem was it wasn't girls I was attracted to.  And when I say attracted, I'm talking about feeling sexually drawn to people.

For me, most of the attraction I have to guys seems to be a rather superficial sexual attraction.  I suspect that since I have always had very good friendships, I never felt the need for those long term romantic relationships with guys that I know some others really desire.  I've always felt that I was different from everyone else around me, including my family, but I also always felt comfortable with others.  I didn't need to be the same to fit in.  So I had most of my emotional needs met by good friends and family.

But as a mammal, I have a desire to reproduce.  And my orientation always directed me to guys.  I always felt this was somehow messed up, and it did cause me a good deal of stress and guilt growing up.  I viewed my orientation with disdain, focusing on its superficial desire for copulation.  I kind of hoped for relief from my attractions, but never really wanted them switched the other way.  How distracting would it have been to be attracted to all my friends who were girls?  And the better I knew my friends who were guys, the less the sexual attraction became.  So while I wasn't happy about my gayness, I didn't really want to be straight, either.

And all this stems from the way I view attraction.  Go figure.