I’m not naturally good at finishing tasks. So I often feel really guilty about it.
In my life, dealing with my inability to keep a schedule or focus on tasks has probably been the biggest trial. I spent most of my young life believing that I was a lazy daydreamer that wouldn’t get things done, even when I really wanted to. I was told I must be doing it on purpose, but I knew otherwise. However, I had no idea how to express that. If I had possessed the focus to dwell on it, I might have become depressed about it. But it was all easily forgotten when any other idea stole my attention. So I remained obliviously happy about life.
Is it any wonder that I felt that it was a defense mechanism for my orientation? I knew that I wouldn’t act out on my orientation because I didn’t act out on most things. I just had to hold out until the subject changed and I was fine. (My wife uses that sometimes. If she doesn’t want me to do something, she can wait till the subject changes and then fail to remind me about it, and I won’t get around to it.) It’s an interesting coping mechanism that I’ve used so much in my life. But I also feel guilty about it. I constantly feel that I let people down.
Also, the fact that people I loved and who loved me believed that I did it on purpose and refused to believe me when I tried to refute them probably contributed to my fear of being misunderstood. That, in turn, is likely one of the main causes of my reluctance to leave the closet. But I likely won’t do anything about it.
My father had this saying, " if you are not how you should be, you have to be how you are" (sounds better in swedish). I'm not mainstream either and I have sometimes felt lesser than others because of it, until I desided that this is how I am and I feel God is ok with that so if others have a problem with it it really is their problem and not mine. Having said that, I do not meen that you can just give in altogether, you still have to "lenthen you strides". But you can not live a life alway shortcoming. Let the "perfect" do their thing and we do what we can and let it stay at that.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but I couldn't help smiling at the fact that your wife uses your weakness to manover you...
I wasn't exactly fair to my wife. She doesn't really have to change the subject at the right time. That happens on its own. She just has to not remind me. And if I ask her to remind me about something, she is very good at doing so. It's just that she can use my coping method as well as I.
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