Okay, I'm really curious about how straight guys feel attraction. I only have my own experience with attraction, and I know that I'm exclusively attracted to guys.
When a straight guy is attracted to a girl, what kind of emotions does he feel? What kind of thoughts enter his head? What kind of coping methods does he use to work through the emotions? If it's a girl that he cannot approach about it, what does he do with the emotions?
I'm sure that every guy is somewhat different in their reactions to attraction, but I wonder if, being gay, there are fundamental differences or are they basically the same, with the same kinds and variations among gay guys as straight guys. And are the coping mechanisms that straight guys use relevant to gay guys? Does it help to talk out the attraction with other guys? I've never taken an opportunity to do that.
When a straight guy gets a crush, what does it feel like? What do you have a desire to do when your crush is around? Run and hide? Act out? Just act natural? How distracting is it?
I wonder just how different I am from other guys. I'm not particularly neat and orderly. I guess I'd be considered a bit of a slob, but just a bit. Very occasionally I forget to brush my hair, and it doesn't bother me that much. I like watching and discussing football and basketball (but not NASCAR or UFC). What's it like being you?
These are good questions. I hope a lot of people comment on this and share their feelings.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have talked extensively about this very subject. Some time ago, we watched a couple of documentaries on 'the science of attraction', (gotta love the learning channel), and then, we did a lot of reading about the subject when we were traveling recently. So, we really opened up to each other, (which we are really good at anyway), and came to some interesting conclusions that may or may not be similar to the average individual, but seem to make much sense for us. So I will share some of our thoughts on attraction, for what it's worth.
It was interesting as we compared exactly 'what types' of individuals we were each attracted to, and our unique reasons 'why'. I realized that I am attracted to 'kinda big' guys who are tall, strong, (muscles are good but it's not about the muscles - no need to be 'buff' but just definitely NOT 'thin', some extra meat on the bones and/or even cuddly is good):), darker hair & mustache, hairy chest, strong jaw, loving eyes, and probably most important... a sense of humble confidence (but definitely NOT arrogance), with a 'gentleness' or 'sweet spirit' about them.
I know for myself that this attraction probably comes from my primal instincts to seek out 'the one' who would be 'best compatible' with me to produce strong healthy offspring. Which is pretty much exactly what the 'science' seems to say. And also, there is a real sense, for me, that I'm attracted to the type of guy that 'I LONG FOR THEM TO LOVE ME' as some sort of affirmation that 'I am lovable' to that 'type' of man, and there's a definite and strong sense of desire to 'be a team' with that person, or to 'share' with them, in 'spiritual' ways more so than just 'sexually'. For me, the 'attraction' (although it ultimately stirs up sexual desire) is not really about SEX, but more about compatibility, emotional connection, and a desire to 'share' a life and 'develop' and ongoing love. I have little to 'no' desire to have anything like a 'one night stand', 'affair', or 'anonymous sexual encounter'. My desire is deeply rooted in wanting something REAL, and COMPLETE, and maybe, actually, even more EMOTIONALLY FULFILLING than sexually fulfilling.
My husband, however, realized as we talked, that he is attracted to a completely different type of individual and for some interestingly different reasons.
BTW - As we deeply talked about and pondered this subject, we were both so enlightened by our discoveries about ourselves and each other, and it was a really cool communication experience that totally brought us closer together and genuinely strengthened our love and relationship.
(continued from above) So, my husband recognized that he is actually attracted to 'smaller' guys, (not really small - or 'short'), but who are, at least, somewhat tall, but most important lean & trim, strong but definitely NOT 'BIG' at all. He's very attracted to guys with olive skin or a healthy tan (and frankly, for him, it's alot about the skin). Which makes it really good for 'us' because 'I may not be a guy, ;) but I definitely have skin. lol (also, it just so happens, that I've always been a bit of a 'sun bunny' and I like to keep a healthy glow....plus, I'm probably Bath & Body Works and Oil of Olay's best supporter - lol) Oddly enough, the truth is, that I basically pay attention to my skin more for me than for him, and I always have.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, back to his attractions & desires. Now, here's the interesting part...
He explained that his reason for the attraction is NOT like my reasons, ie: a desire to 'connect emotionally with' and 'be loved (affirmed/valued) by' and 'share a life with' my type of guy, etc. --but instead, his 'initial' attractions and desires are more rooted in a desire/wish to 'be like' his type of guy.
My husband is a big guy with some 'extra weight' (not alot), and he has gray hair (used to be sandy red), and he has extremely pale skin & some redness to his face that he seems to really dislike about himself. He says that he 'wishes' he was smaller, leaner, and he especially longs for a different skin type and complexion. He believes that his 'attraction' to 'his type' of man is mostly related to some deep desire that 'connecting with him', (this certain type of guy), will somehow 'make him like him', so to speak, or somehow 'include' him in that handsome guy's 'club'. And, there doesn't seem to be any 'primal instinct' to procreate with any man that he's visually attracted to.
But, he remembers the fact that from our first meeting (and as we began to date), he was definitely attracted to me in a 'primal - desire to procreate' sort of way. He says that, in looking back, although he was not all desperately, intensely, sexually attracted to me (like he is guys), he felt a strong and compelling attraction to my tall stature and lean build, and especially my shiny blonde hair, brown eyes, and tan skin. He says that he literally had thoughts, right from the very start, of what handsome/beautiful children we would have. So, although the intensity of 'visual/sexual' attraction was lacking, compared to what he felt for other men, the 'primal/let's procreate' attraction & desire was absolutely there and actually very strong.
He also fully admits that his desire towards the men, (that he's attracted to), was/is almost 100% 'sexual desire', from the 'visual' (sexual) attraction - all the way to the 'completion of the sexual act', it's pretty much 'all about SEX' and a deep desire to 'connect with the guy that seems to be what he (my husband) wishes he was'. He literally says that, for him, it's an almost desperate need and desire to 'have' a sexual experience with the person, seeing that guy almost as a sexual object, with not much thought or regard for desires of ongoing caring, sharing, love developing, emotionally fulfilling of each others' needs, etc.
Now, certainly in sharing these deep feelings and insights about 'us', we are risking lots of negative feed back as I'm sure many (maybe most) are not 'like us'. So please know that we ARE NOT assuming that any other individuals are like us, and we are not making any 'statements' here about 'the science of attraction' for anyone else but us. But, I will say, that it is a really great thing to discuss and consider these things with your partner/spouse, as it is a wonderful experience and will probably promote some beautiful understanding and deepen your love.
ReplyDeleteAs for answering your question (finally! lol) about how to deal with 'unwanted' attractions and desires.
My husband says that he chooses not to cultivate his attractions towards other men, so when he notices someone who he is sexually attracted to, he does not dwell on looking at or thinking about their facial features, physique, skin, hands, etc., but instead turns his thoughts to the individual, as a human being, (not a sexual object). He looks at their eyes - not with 'gaydar' hoping to feel a sexual 'connection', but instead, as another child of God, a real person with a unique spirit and a heart and soul far greater, and more real than, just someone to rub up against, have a sexual experience with, or as someone to be selfishly 'used' for his personal fantasies in his mind over and over again. (which is what, for many years, he 'used' to do)
He says that sometimes he has to say a little prayer for help and strength to keep it REAL, but he ultimately loves the comfort that comes as he controls his urges, thoughts, and desires, and he feels a great sense of peace and a 'different' sort of 'fulfillment' in choosing and cultivating this alternate path for his life.
He also points out that throughout the years when he was not managing and controlling his sexual urges, desires, and attractions, he was NEVER really happy, or content, or at peace. And, no matter how many 'guys' he had sexual experiences with, he was NEVER completely fulfilled, and there was never anyone that he could ultimately see himself in an ongoing, loving, sharing, completely fulfilling relationship with.
Anyway, this is what works for him and us, for what it's worth, and we believe we have an amazingly awesome, loving relationship, a completely fulfilling sex life, and he says that our intimate life makes him feel most like a real man. He also testifies of the absolute benefits to our sex life as he abstains from masturbation and 'controls' and 'manages' his homosexual thoughts, attractions, and desires.
PS - I also testify of the amazing and extremely wonderful impact that his choices and actions have on our marriage, relationship, and especially our intimate life.
In the end, (and from the beginning) my husband IS a big guy, who is loving, confident (especially more so in the past 7+ years), and although he doesn't have dark hair or a hairy chest, he does have a lot of the physical, emotional, and spiritual characteristics that I am attracted to. BTW - I absolutely LOVE the sexy gray hair that he has now, and as I read this all back to him, just now, he suggested that possible he could get a 'rug' (toupee) for his chest! lol
ReplyDeleteAnd, although I don't have 'most' of the physical characteristics that the guys he's attracted to have, I AM tall, and I DO have the skin that he's attracted to (and loves to touch). He loves my hair, he thinks (knows) I'm beautiful, likes my long legs, and is literally attracted to me, (although he is not attracted to woman in general, and he is also attracted to visually attracted to some men more than he is visually attracted to me). He says that he loves my voice, and he loves having sex with me. And, best of all - he did have a genuine and real desire to 'procreate' with me, and he has a complete desire to share a life with me, and to grow old with me, and to spend eternity with me.
Also, and most important, after you get past the initial 'visual/sexual' attraction part, there's all kinds of great things that we love about each other, such as our shared love of music, all the 'fun' that we have doing the things we both love, our great communication, the joy we share in raising our family, our mutual beliefs and ultimate goals in life, our individual relationships with God, as well as our joint relationship with God as the center of our marriage and our lives.
The truth is, the less we each concentrate on the things that are difficult or 'not perfect' about our marriage, and the more we each concentrate on all the wonderful and positive and good, the better and better our marriage, friendship, and intimacy becomes. Certainly we can't complain about any of that. IT'S ALL GOOD! :D
Well, I just read back through this, and I totally didn't answer your question, and I understand that what you REALLY want is to hear from the straight guys - me too.
DeleteSorry I interrupted ;) -- but, still I hope that the information I shared, on this subject of 'attraction', might be interesting or beneficial to someone. Carry on...... :D
I just stopped by to mention to you (and your readers) that my husband and I decided to transfer our comments here over to our blog as a completely new post about 'Attraction'. We put a link to your post here, and then our comments and thoughts, etc. exactly the same as we shared here.
ReplyDeleteSo, you might be interested in an anonymous' comments on our blog this morning, and our responses to 'her' disrespectful comments.
PS - we have literally 'gone the rounds' with her before, and recognize her attitude in comments throughout this particular blogging community. Actually, we usually just choose NOT to publish her rude, anti-Mormon comments, but we decided to publish them this time as we felt we might somehow be able to help her understand our life choices, and maybe see the truth about her assumptions and presumptuous comments. - well, it's worth a try ;)
http://idefineme.blogspot.com/
Before you read my answer, please keep in mind that there was a ton of shame involved in this attraction initially that can be directly attributed to how my parents "gave me the talk".
ReplyDeleteI am a heterosexual non-mormon male, I also have autism and suffer from chronic depression and generalized anxiety disorder. If you decide that you want to be mormon, that's ok. I'm merely just adding my perspective here to maybe answer your question.
When I used to get crushes, I would become so twiterpated when the crush was around, I'd do everything I could to try and please her and make her notice me (except actually talking to her because the very though scared me because I had problems with self hatred so much to the point where it stopped me from making friends).
Now though, I talk to the ladies I have crushes on like wh'e friends. and if it gets somewhere, it gets somewhere. If not, well it's too bad for me and I wind up binging on comfort food.
As for the other stuff, I'm hygenic. Always shower twice a day, keep my room organized, and I also don't watch too many sports.
You sound like a good ol' regular person to me which is definitely not a bad thing.
Thank you for your response. I doubt that my feelings are all that different from straight guys, but it's nice to hear about others and their experiences. I hope you find someone who keeps you from binging on that comfort food (though if ice cream is involved, maybe that comfort food could be a good idea.)
Deletesorry that I Define Me hijacked your comments. They like to do that. Harmless enough though.
ReplyDeleteDon't be sorry. They're just writing the thoughts that my post led to. Truth be told, I'm very bad at staying on topic. My thoughts roam around. As long as people are being nice, I don't mind their comments.
Delete