Unusual Kid part 4

I often felt very out of place among my family members, both immediate and extended.  Okay, I realize that this is rather ordinary.  I'm sure most people feel that way some of the time.  But I always felt as if I were the oddball of the family.  I also felt like I didn't fit in with the kids in school, or the kids at church, or anywhere, really.  Again, this is not that uncommon, especially among closeted gay kids.  What is probably more unusual is that I revelled in that position.  I loved being different.  I didn't want to conform. 



Now, I wasn't a typical rebel.  I loved the gospel and wanted to follow its precepts.  So I wasn't going to buck that aspect of my life.  But in other ways, I wanted to stand out, not comply with the ordinary, and break typical trends.  Sometimes I describe my younger self as a show-off, usually in a tongue-in-cheek way.  But it's more true than I want it to be.  Even now, I still love being the center of attention.  I love giving talks in church and commenting in class.  (Yup, I'm one of those.)

I wonder if this is a strange position for a kid who was hiding the big secret of his orientation the whole time.  But for me, I think it made it easier to hide.  Who would suspect the outspoken, lays-it-all-out-on-the-table, can't-keep-a-secret kid to be hiding such a big secret?

I sometimes wonder if I'm just fooling myself.  What if everyone knows, or at least suspects the truth.  But I guess I'll never know.  (... unless some surprisingly forward person asks about it.  But that's a big taboo in our culture.  So I'm not holding my breath.)