The Blame Game

I knew I was attracted to guys and not girls almost immediately upon entering puberty, so I was naturally interested in learning about that particular issue.  I searched my family's library and there was not much there.  What I did find tended to basically say that homosexuality was a condition with causes.  I looked through the causes and realized that I didn't really fit any of them.  How could this be?  I had a good relationship with my father and other boys.  I had never been abused in any way.  I had learned and was trying to live the commandments.  I wasn't perfect, by any means, but my problems were nothing like what was supposed to cause homosexuality.

Over time, I tended to switch the blame around.  When I developed bad habits or had other problems and trials, I tended to blame them on my homosexuality.  I started to feel that if I could just stop getting crushes on guys, my other problems would just go away, since my orientation was the root of my evils.  For example, I grew up thinking I was incredibly lazy.  I couldn't seem to stop procrastinating, and I didn't even realize I was doing it except in hindsight.  I started blaming the problem on my orientation (even thought my "lazyness" started long before puberty).  I felt that it must be a natural coping mechanism that my brain developed so I would not act on my sexual desires.  I was too lazy to do anything about my crushes.  So I couldn't see the problem in a clear light in order to deal with it.  I didn't even feel good praying about the problem, since I thought I needed my orientation "fixed" before I could deal with it.

However, after I was married, I learned more about ADHD and read up on how it is diagnosed.  I realized that I was a classic case, and I saw how it affected my life from early grade school on, or even before that.  It changed my perspective on my problem, and I started to develop coping mechanisms that were effective.  I stopped blaming my problems on my gay orientation, and my life got better for it.

I still have to be careful that I don't blame my problems on my orientation.  I am sometimes tempted to do so.  I have a very happy and fulfilling marriage to an incredible woman, but it has its share of trials, too.  If I were to start blaming those trials on my orientation, it could really mess up our ability to work out our differences so our relationship could progress and grow.  I've had to learn, and I'm still learning that assigning blame tends to hamper my ability to improve and my overall happiness.